Svartesol

I oathed to Frey on February 9, 2004.  When I did my official rite of profession of Heathenry (then identifying as Asatru) in the year 2000 (after spending some time as Seax-Wica), I had started off with the intention of being a "general practitioner", wanting to honor all the Gods equally. However, as time went on, I found myself drawn to Odin, and would give Him offerings more than the others. I refrained from calling the Old Man my patron, but He was the Deity I felt the most affinity for. Frey came to me in late 2003, at a time in my life when I had hit a very low point and would still spiral down further. I was working a bit with Freya to try to improve my self-esteem, and Freya said to me, "I want to introduce you to my brother." Not long after that, Frey revealed Himself to me in a series of dreams and visions, that gave me hope in a time of hopelessness.

I was initially attracted to Odin due to my being an intellectual, and interested in magic.  Frey is God of the World, and up until He came into my life, I was afraid of what He had to offer.  Beyond the fact that I saw Frey as being like Freya in drag, or a watered-down version of the Horned God, I didn't know what He would want with someone like me.  As I mentioned, I am a cerebral person.  I have been described as aloof and standoffish, not a particularly sensual or emotional type.  I am very much the stereotypical Aquarian INTJ.  Yet Frey's influence helped me balance out the cold intellect with warm vitality, living in my heart and my body and not just my mind and spirit.  Frey also helped me to see things that had been there all along.

For starters, I have been communing with land-wights since childhood.  Because of my sensitivity to the sentience of plants and trees and even the life within the rocks and creeks and ponds, I was involved in environmental activism in my teens and twenties and still remain aware and try to live green.  Frey is Lord of the Elves, and I see His sphere of influence as extending to all nature spirits.  He is the God of peace and good seasons, the health of the land and the wealth it produces.  And call me slow on the uptake, but it's kind of hard to miss this:

When I first began communing with Frey, before I oathed to Him, I spent a lot of time outdoors.  Watching nature, and finding peace in it.  As troubled as the rest of my life was at that time, nature remained, and provided a peace and freedom I didn't have elsewhere.  Frey reminded me of my green thumb, the way animals responded to me, and small children.

After I took my oaths to Frey, my life went into upheaval due to circumstances beyond my control.  I was not allowed to practice my religion openly in the living situation I was in for a year and a half, and had to learn how to connect with Frey via prayer and meditation rather than outward displays of religiosity.  These skills proved to be useful.  Connecting with Frey was the one thing that kept me going during that dark time, and while I felt ashamed of my situation, He told me I would get through it, and I did.  In 2006, when it looked like I would be back in that position, I offered to Frey for help, and also set a deal of what I would do in exchange for getting my life back.  Since the end of 2006, my life has been getting better all the time, which I attribute to His blessings, but also have required work to maintain on my part:

-I believe my relationship with my husband was arranged by Him. I was celibate and single by choice for two and a half years after taking my oaths. On Yule of 2005 Frey came to me in a dream and told me within a year I would find my life-partner and live in a different part of the country. As I had never left New England I didn't see this as being possible, yet by Yule 2006 I had moved to Southern California to live with a man who was getting prods from Frey before we met, seeing it as his sacred Frey-assigned duty to take care of me. We are still together. We have had our ups and downs as any relationship is wont to have by virtue of people interacting with people, but we have worked hard to keep our relationship good, and I am very lucky to have him.  He is who he is, and though he may not be perfect, he is right for me in all of his quirks and eccentricities and annoyances and cuteness.

-In August of 2007 I made an offering to Frey and a bargain - that if He made arrangements for us to get a house I would dedicate one room as ritual space and build a garden in Gerda's honor. A week to the day later, the plans were set in motion and we moved into our new home on Midsummer 2008. We still live here, our mortgage is completely paid off when the country is in economic crisis.  We keep a clean house, with a beautiful ritual room, a thriving garden, and an adorable cat, and I have upheld my end of the bargain. (It might also be noted that a common personal gnosis has Gerda as the Goddess of the walled garden, and my garden for Her is in a walled space - we looked at several properties with yards, and this was what happened to work out.)

-My physical health was quite bad when I took my oaths to Frey. I am now a hundred pounds lighter (this is a good thing), have more mobility, less fatigue, and most of my chronic physical health problems have gone away. While I do have some ongoing challenges, they are easier to deal with now, in part because of Frey instructing me on how to take care of myself. It might also be added that I have post-traumatic stress disorder and find my religion to be very positive and healing, and people have remarked on how much better I've been doing with the related depression and anxiety. The fact is, I notice I do better if I keep to my spiritual routine as well as my mundane chores and errands, and if I happen to "slack off" on my religious activity it shows up right away.

-Due to hardships and upheaval in my life, I lost most of my possessions and when I moved to California all that I owned with the exception of two large items, could fit into three bags. I have now gotten everything back, and then some, which includes art supplies, clothing, music, and happy things from my childhood.

-I have real friendships with people local and far away, which is important as I used to accumulate "fairweather friends" back when I was more debilitated by the PTSD and desperate for any kind of support. I have learned to judge friendships by their deeds, not their words, as well as to be a friend in return, to give support and loyalty without giving too much as a "pushover" and becoming resentful. This has taken many hard lessons but it is well worth it for the quality of those in my life today.

-My religion has been the most important thing in my life for almost exactly half my lifetime, and I have found it an ongoing struggle to have community. I have learned not to blame Gods for the behavior of some of Their followers, nonetheless it has been a rough ride as one who is too mystical for most strict reconstructionists yet too much of a history buff lore-hound traditionalist for many mystics. I wasted too much time being angry at things I couldn't change, but when I narrowed my focus on my own path and what the Gods wanted, I found the doors opened to belonging somewhere. Being able to network with other Vanatruar around the globe, as well as forming a devotional community for Vanatru, has helped tremendously to heal my long-standing issues of feeling like a permanent outcast both in the mundane world and in my religion. This took some work including processing my baggage, trying not to be immature, and listening to the Gods, taking Their advice, as well as going with my gut instinct about things. At times it was painful. But it has started to pay off.


All that said, even as I've been rebuilding my life over the past two years, I've had moments of doubt.  Being fulltrui to a God does not mean you will always do right by Them, nor does it mean They will smite you if you mess up whether deliberately or inadvertently.  Frey has blessed me, but He's not micromanaging every detail of my existence and there are things I had to learn the hard way.  He has not saved me from every instance of getting hurt or being screwed over by someone.  Life is not perfect or always smooth, but the general quality of it is good, and something I express daily gratitude for.  I credit Frey's blessings as well as my own self-work prodded by His influence.  I live life the best I can, as a gift to Frey.  He has given me so much in blessings of family and home, as well as health and well-being, and just His companionship alone - time spent with Him in nature, enjoying His sense of humor, and His gentleness.  It is not too much for me to say "my life is a faining", and consecrate each day, good and bad, to Him.  Indeed, even "bad days" aren't so bad because I can think of at least one good thing each day, to be thankful for.

I would have to say that as I've gotten to know Frey, I do see His primary domain, or sphere of influence, as being Life-Sustainer. This is quite a bit different than Odin who has a creation/destruction polarity, and Thor who is a protector first and foremost.

Most of the major Eastern and Western religions teach that the world is evil/full of suffering and should be something to detach from, but I don't think this helps anything.  While the bright and cheerful face of Frey is the one that most people see, I have known a couple of His devotees to see His dark side... the side that gave away His sword for love, wields an antler, and is badass enough to kill with His bare hands.  I know from the lore as well as life experience that Frey does not hold with outlaws, and in my service to Him on more than one occasion I have been required to speak out against evil where I see it, even if it is unpopular.  Yet, that is part of being in the world.  Nature is beautiful and deadly.  To taste life is to taste death also.  There is a fine art in balancing knowledge of the dark side of humanity with not letting it ruin what is good in life, and as someone who has been through severe trauma and had my life shattered, yet is rebuilding it now, I know the value of looking at the bright side rather than dwelling on the abyss.  I have seen Frey's killer side and have drawn upon His "no mercy, no quarter" side when having to stand up for what I believe in, or fight for what is rightfully mine.  At the same time, I know I can try to be a vessel of Frey's light in my words and in my deeds, and touch the ones around me, who in turn touch the ones around them, and so on and so forth, until Frey's light, and the vitality it brings, is everywhere. By virtue of having human nature, this requires mindfulness -- it is not automatic.  It is a lot of hard work, but Frey knows hard work and respects it where He sees it.

From Frey's perspective, the world is what it is, and it is best to connect with the world, to embrace its joys and pleasures as well as its sorrows and pain. Frey is, to me, what is good in this world. When I call Frey "God of the World", I don't just mean the sun and the rain and the growing things, but daily life itself. He is good food, good sex, fun and laughter, warm hugs, Muppets and gnomes, beading "bling", walks in nature, loyal friends. Frey is that which sustains me, and even though my walk with Him has not been all sunshine and rainbows, He is still the one I love. He has given me life in all of its fullness, and I hope that my life honors Him, that the words I give Him as offering outlast this current incarnation, and that my deeds be remembered as worthy, so He may be known and hailed for all time.


© 2008-2009 Svartesól.